Reasons Why

My reasons for writing this blog are, first, that I think it a right thing for every person in such circumstances (like myself) to set an example; secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly -- which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness.

Er, wait. Sorry. Wrong reasons speech there.

First off, I'm not writing this blog just because I want everyone to sympathize with me. Okay, well, maybe there is a little bit of that going on, but not much. (Although I do sincerely thank all of you who have expressed your sympathies. It means a lot to both Shallow Man and myself.) I'm writing this for catharsis, both personal and general.

One of the things I've noticed the most as we've been going through the process of infertility and also miscarriage is that nobody talks about it. Ever. Or at least that's what it feels like. Part of this is obviously the fact that people don't like talking about their health problems (at least before age 50 or so) and that in LDS culture we also don't talk much about sex in general, so anything related to it also isn't talked about as much.

But it's also because it feels, to me at least, embarrassing and almost shameful in a way. You wouldn't want to admit that you couldn't read or write or tie your shoes. You wouldn't want everyone at your workplace to know that you couldn't perform the basic functions of your job. Not being able to have children can feel the same way, like you're broken or inferior. I don't for a minute actually believe that infertility means anything of the sort, but when you're in the thick of it it's a lot harder not to listen to those kinds of ideas.

I think there's also an element of the Job syndrome. You worry that someone will think it's your own fault; that you're being punished or are unworthy in some way, because of course God will bless his righteous and obedient children with children of their own. This, of course, is nonsense, because God's purpose is not to give us everything we WANT, but to give us what we NEED.

Now, I'm not saying that I see exactly what the burning need for two miscarriages and struggles with infertility was in my life. And I probably don't specifically need these events. But I do need to grow, and Heavenly Father in His wisdom knows how to give me the experiences and opportunities I need to achieve that growth.

Of course I still struggle with accepting that. I think everyone who goes through trials does. And I have to admit that unfortunately I do go through days where I question and wonder why and am not at all content and lack faith and really wrestle with accepting and learning from my experiences. I would rather not have to grow in this particular way, thank you very much.

But then I have what I guess you might call more lucid periods, where I can step back and say, "Okay, this stinks, but what can I do about it? What can I learn from this?" And it's harder to know what to do if you don't know what anyone else is doing, or if it feels like you're the only one who's going through things like this.

So I guess that's the long way of saying that one of the main reasons I'm doing this is to increase awareness and start a dialogue. If we can talk about these things like they're as normal as they are (I've been surprised to find out just how many people I know are dealing with one or both of these issues) then none of us will feel as isolated, as broken, or as "unworthy" as I sometimes have felt. Then maybe we can get a better, more eternal perspective.

"And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
"Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."
(John 9:2-3)